Power of the Pen: The Best of the Rest

In seventh and eighth grade, I participated in the regional Power of the Pen competition. Meets consisted of three rounds of 45 minutes wherein you were expected to come up with a complete story or essay. I wasn't always overly inspired by the prompts, but I usually found myself writing at least one silly, subversive sentence that made me giggle. I could only imagine how the judges would react to my unusual sense of humor.
Out of context, these sentences are even funnier:

From Amazed:
"The voice!" Alvin shouted. "The voice comes out of nowhere! Why do we obey it?"
Shuddering, my eyes widened in recollection. "The giant rats will hunt us down. We must go forward to survive!"

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From Mission Algebra:
I tossed and turned in bed that night. Dodos filled my dreams. I whimpered in fear.

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From Alien Intervention:
"I'm afraid I'll have to correct you," he shouted, and turned into blue smoke. The blue smoke went up Sam's nose.
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From The Clown*:
Reflecting back on that fateful humid day, I cursed myself for not being stronger, for wasting all my money on the Twirl-A-Whirl, but most of all for agreeing with that fat, evil harlequin.
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From There Used to be Three:
This can't be good, I thought, and blacked out as a cold, strange hand touched the back of my neck.
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So a Human Walks into a Bar (uploaded in full) includes probably my favorite line I ever wrote:
Mr. Bubbles chortled.
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*The Clown includes other gems such as 
"I saw the whole town pointing and laughing at me, and the satanic man pelting me with water balloons, cackling, 'You want some water, huh? Huh?!'"
and
"Being a clown had transformed me into a cold, hard human being."

A Family Reunion Buffet

I wrote the following short story in the Eighth Grade for the regional Power of the Pen competition. We had 45 minutes and this was the prompt: Describe a custom (real or imaginary) that seems strange or uncivilized.

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What's more uncivilized than eating human beings? Why, eating your family members, of course! That's right, I'm talking about a cannibal's family reunion.
You may think that they'd be able to resist the temptation, but let me make an analogy. It's like when you're told not to eat, say, chocolate cake before dinnertime. Unfortunately, you're very hungry, and the treat looks very delicious. So you pop it into your mouth when nobody's looking.
Of course, there's another factor to take into account. Family reunions can often be boring. Some relatives do not know when to stop talking. Cannibals have a way, albeit a very disgusting way, to shut people up...eat them.
Any social gathering of cannibals is bound to be disastrous. Most of the time, only one-third of the original party-goers will come back. These few will look slightly larger around the waistline, and a little more content. The Surgeon General strongly advises you not to attend parties thrown by cannibals. Anyone who values their life, and/or considers themselves to be a respectable citizen, should do as he says.
Also, not only are cannibals uncivilized, savage, and undeniably strange people, they have no manners. They are known to fool around with their humans before they eat them. Of course, everyone knows you should never play with your food.

Did the Lion Sleep Tonight?

I wrote the following story in the Eighth Grade for the regional Power of the Pen contest. We had 45 minutes and this was the prompt: You awaken from a dream remembering vividly a place you've never been before. Describe it.

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"Wow!" I shouted. "That was a close one!"
When my brother looked over at me from his bed I realized how stupid I must have sounded. But still, everything had been so real in the dream. I realized now it was only a dream, but then it had felt as if I was actually in the African veldt. As I explained this to my brother, he looked at me like I was crazy.
"I ran with the graceful gazelle! I ate with an enormous elephant!" I enthused. "I raced with a wrinkled rhinoceros!"
"Don't practice your alliteration on me," my brother grumbled. "It's too early in the morning."
"Sorry, but I've never felt so alive! I ran in the tall, brown grass, felt the sun beating down on me. The sun was like a golden stone in a fiery sky during sunset. The grass seemed to be alive in the cool, morning breeze!"
"I hope you fell in the mud," moaned my brother and pulled his pillow over his head.
I laughed. "Oh, I did! I wallowed in the mud with three friendly warthogs. I was at a watering hole and was joined by a herd of wildebeests! I was alone with nature!"
"Blehhh," said my brother.
"I looked up in the sky and saw colorful bids swooping in formation. They looked like kites, like moving brushes of paint on blue canvas," I murmured.
I smiled, remembering the quick, regal leopard, and the mangy hyena who thought life was one big joke. All the animals had been so beautiful and the scenery was breathtaking. Everything was perfect.
Except...
"I almost got eaten by a lion," I recalled with a shudder. That was why I had called out "That was a close one" upon waking up.
It had been terrifying. I was watching a group of playful primates when a bone-chilling roar echoed through the land. Suddenly, a lion leapt out of nowhere and bounded towards me, its mane flying.
I ran faster and faster, but alas! I felt claws in my flesh, and I fell to the ground.
Then I woke up.
My brother chuckled. "I had a dream, too," he admitted confidentially. "I was in the African veldt. Guess what I was?"
He licked his lips. The hair on the back of my neck stood up.
"I was a lion!" he said. Then he pounced.

So a Human Walks into a Bar

I wrote the following story in the Eighth Grade for the regional Power of the Pen contest. We had 45 minutes and this was the prompt: Bees sting, roses have thorns; show what real---or imagined---defense system humans possess.

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"So a human walks into a bar," I said, leaning across the table to get a better view of my extraterrestrial companions.
"That is not funny," said Alien #1, whose name roughly translated to "Three Stalk Bison.
"I wasn't finished," I said testily. "Anyway, he walks into a bar...and falls unconscious. Why?" I looked at them expectantly.
"I have no idea," gurgled the gelatinous mass of bubbles, Alien # 2.
"Because---" I started, "he walked into a bar!"
No reaction.
"Into a bar, " I explained, and frowned. I was losing my audience. "You know, like that?" I made a rough gesture to hammer in my point.
"Don't humans have a defense system to prevent such...unfortunate accidents?" asked Mr. Bubbles.
I hung my head. "First of all, it's just a joke. You guys have no sense of humor."
Before Three Stalk could come back with a retort, I raised my voice to cut him off. "And secondly," I said, "humans do have a defense system. It's called embarrassment."
I received a quizzical expression from Three Stalk. "Embarrassment? Explain," he said, as if he was daring me.
"Well, see that guy over there with the four arms? Let's say he wants to ask that purple girl on a date," I hypothesized. "But he knows that if she turns him down, this will mean major embarrassment for him."
"But they are not humans," Mr. Bubbles pointed out.
I gave him a tight smile. "I'm just using them as examples, seeing as how I'm the only earthling in the bar."
Three Stalk wagged his finger at me. "But what about in a life or death struggle?" he asked.
"That too!" I exclaimed. "If you know you can't win a fight, you won't get into one. Because if you did, you'd be very embarrassed when you lost."
Mr. Bubbles chortled. "You'd be killed! That's what one would be afraid of!"
I shook my head. "If you're killed, that's a good thing! Then you won't be ashamed for the rest of your life!" I leaned back in my chair. "Having people snicker at you, that's what humans fear!"
"Your argument is confusing to us," Three Stalks said, although it was obvious he knew I had won.
"Confusing? It's easy!" I shouted. "As easy as why the chicken crossed the road!"
"Why?" asked Mr. Bubbles.
"To get to the other side!" I finished with a flourish.
No reaction.
"Aliens," I scoffed. "No sense of humor!"